1. Extreme Pessimism: We start by assuming the worst-case scenario, just to be safe. Our team of experts in despair and hopelessness will guide you through the darkest of times.
2. Cynicism 2.0+: We take the old, reliable methods of pessimism and add a dash of existential dread for an extra kick. Because who needs actual solutions, anyway?
3. Sarcasm and Sarcasm-Induced Trauma: Our team has mastered the art of turning every positive experience into a snarky joke, just to remind you that, yeah, life is pretty much meaningless.