Step 1: Find a Friend Who Doesn't Hate You

First things first, you've got to have someone to join with. This isn't a solo operation, unless you're a solo operation, in which case, go ahead, join the Illuminati, but don't say we didn't warn you. Find a buddy, a partner in crime, a confidant, or a person who doesn't mind that you've been secretly controlling their every move since middle school.

Make sure they've got the same level of charisma and wit as you, or they'll be a constant disappointment. You can't have a partner who is just as charming as you, that's just unfair to the partner. You want someone who complements your skills, like a perfectly balanced meal.

Finding Your Soulmate: The Illuminati's Guide to Love

Step 2: Learn the Secret Handshakes

Now that you've got a friend, it's time to learn the secret handshakes. Not just any handshake will do. You need a handshake that says, "I'm in, I'm in, I'M IN." This is a handshake that's been perfected over centuries of Illuminati practice.

Don't worry, it's not as hard as it looks. Just practice in front of a mirror, until your hand is tired, then rest it for a day or two, and repeat. You'll be a pro in no time. Or, just ask a friend who's already in. They'll teach you the ways of the handshake. But don't ask a friend who's not in. They might try to kill you. Just don't.

The Illuminati Handshake Guide: A Tutorial

Step 3: Pay the Dues (Literally)

You've got a friend, you've got the handshake, now it's time to pay the dues. This isn't just any ordinary fee. This is a fee for the right to join a secret society that has controlled the world for centuries. This is a fee that's worth it, trust us.

Don't try to sneak out of this part. You've got to pay the price for the secrets, the power, the fancy parties. It's not cheap, but it's worth it. Unless you're one of the 1%, then it's probably a rip off. In that case, just pay the fee and deal with it.

Why You Should Pay the Illuminati Fee: A Guide