Principles of Philosophy, by René Descartes, or "I Think, Therefore I am, and also I am a Little Confused"

I am a philosopher, therefore I am. Or am I? Ah, the eternal conundrum. As I sit here in my velvet-clad chamber, surrounded by the trappings of academia, I ponder the very fabric of reality.

Let us start with the First Rule of Reasoning: "I think, therefore I am, and also I am a little confused". A fundamental principle, if you will.

And then there's the Second Rule: "I think, therefore I am, and also I am a little more certain, but only about my doubts". A delicate balancing act, indeed.

But what of the Third Rule: "I think, therefore I am, and also I am a little less confused, but only because I'm ignoring my doubts"?

Or, if you will, the Fourth Rule: "I think, therefore I am, and also I am a little more certain, but only in my sleep"?

And, of course, the Fifth Rule: "I think, therefore I am, and also I am a little less confused, but only when I'm drunk".

But, I mean, what's the point of all these rules, anyway? Let us proceed to the Sixth Rule: "I think, therefore I am, and also I have completely given up on life".