Breaking news: Local Man Still Can't Get Out of Bed
According to sources close to the subject, local man John still can't get out of bed. "I'm just so overwhelmed with the intricacies of modern life," said the subject, who wishes to remain anonymous. "I'm not sure how I'll make it through the impending doom of adulthood without a strong stomach, a good night's sleep, and a reliable Wi-Fi signal."
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