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The Department of Denials: A Place to Say No
The Department of Denials: Where the Answer is Always No
Located in the heart of Bureaucracy City, our department specializes in finding the most creative ways to say no.
Our Team
We're a team of highly trained, highly paid experts in the art of denial:
- Our Director of Denials, Reginald P. Bottomsworth, has been denying things since 1982.
- Our Assistant Director of Denials, Karen Denythis, has denied over 5,000 requests in a single day.
- Our Deny Analyst, Jane Deny, can deny a request in 3 seconds or less.
Departmental Denials Analyst
Meet Jane Deny, the department's top Deny Analyst:
Learn more about Jane Deny
Our Denial Policy
We deny requests based on the following criteria:
- We deny requests that are not in triplicate.
- We deny requests that are not accompanied by a sufficiently large bribe.
- We deny requests that are not made on a Tuesday.
Don't even get us started on our Denial Matrix.
Denial Statistics
We're proud to say that we've denied over 1 million requests in the past year alone.
That's a whole lot of no's.
View our Denial Statistics
© 2023 The Department of Denials. All rights reserved. No, we won't give you a copy of our report.