A: It's a highly classified, top-secret government project to turn ordinary furniture into sentient, reality-bending entities.
A: You don't. You just stare intensely at a chair, and whisper "TELEFRAZZLE" three times. Then, it'll come to life and start rearranging your living room.
A: Unfortunately, no. The Tertiary Telefragger only works on items with a certain... je ne sais quoi. Your grandmother's chair has a "certainly-not-je-nes-quoi" factor.
A: We advise against it. The Tertiary Telefragger has a 99.9% chance of turning your partner into a sentient, reality-bending entity, but the 0.1% chance of turning them into a sentient, reality-bending entity with an unrelenting desire for world domination is... unsettling.
Learn more about advanced telefragging techniques!
We're not responsible for any reality distortions, furniture rearrangements, or existential crises caused by the Tertiary Telefragger. Use at your own risk.