On the News

Because you clearly have nothing better to do, here's some "news" for you.

Breaking: Cats are still judging you

Cats, the self-proclaimed overlords of the universe, have issued another stern warning to their human minions: "Don't even think about eating that Cheetos, you're going to ruin the upholstery."

…or just go read a book, human.

Today's Special

Congratulations, you've managed to make it another day without completely losing your mind! As a reward, you get to read about the top 10 reasons why you're still a failure.

• You still live in a studio apartment with a futon.
• You still eat ramen noodles for dinner.
• You still wear pleated pants.

And finally, a word from our sponsor

Because you clearly need more advertising in your life, here's a special message from the makers of "I Can't Believe It's Not a Real Job" employment agency.

…just don't get your hopes up, it's not like they actually exist.

Stay tuned for more "news" that you'll probably ignore.