1. Local Man Discovers New Way to Tie His Shoes - A ground-breaking study on the art of shoelace arrangement.
2. New App Allows Users to Order Pizza with Only Their Face - The future of online ordering has arrived, or so it seems.
3. Area Man Still Unable to Find His Car Keys - A heartwarming tale of perseverance and lost keys.
4. Nation Horrified by 10-Minute Cook Time for Omelette - The struggle is real.
5. Local Artist Creates Masterpiece with Only His Non-Dominant Hand - A true test of dedication and creativity.
6. New Study Reveals Most People Would Rather Watch Paint Dry than Learn a New Skill - The world's greatest minds at work.
7. Area Man Still Waiting for His Favorite TV Show to Come on - The eternal struggle of modern entertainment.
*Please note that these stories have been heavily edited for entertainment value and may not reflect actual events. Or have any events at all. Our lawyers have been paid to say that.*