The Weekly Roundup: 10 Things You'll Hate About Our Newsletter

1. A 10% increase in our font size to make it harder to read

1. Because who needs readability, right?
2. Our designers said it's "bold" and "eye-catching"

2. A new font style that's 100% less legible for the visually impaired

1. It's like Comic Sans, but without the charm
2. We're pretty sure our lawyers said it was okay

3. A special edition of our newsletter that's 100% ad (because who needs content, really?]

1. With a special bonus section on why you should buy our other products
2. We're not paid to say it, but it's a great deal

4. An all-new system of nested lists to make it harder to find what you're looking for

1. Because who needs a table of contents, right?
2. It's like a treasure hunt, but without the treasure

5. A special section dedicated to the art of making you wait for every link to load

1. We're using the latest in slow-loading technology
2. It's like watching paint dry, but with more clicking!

6. Our new policy of using the most annoying pop-up ads you've ever seen

1. Because who needs to read our content without distractions?
2. We're not even going to give you a "no thanks" option

7. A special "gotcha" section where we'll try to sell you something you didn't need to begin with

1. Because who needs personal space, right?
2. Our sales team is on speed dial

8. Our new policy of sending you 5 newsletters a day because you're clearly not busy enough

1. Because who needs a social life, right?
2. We're not even going to give you a "unsubscribe" option

9. A special "surprise me" section where we'll try to guess your interests and sell you stuff you don't want

1. It's like a magic 8-ball, but without the magic
2. We're not even going to give you a "no thanks" option

10. Our new "guarantee": We'll never actually send you anything you'll actually like

1. We're like the weather: unpredictable and unreliable
2. You're on your own, buddy