For 4,000 years, I have been serving up wisdom in the form of crumpled up pieces of paper with cryptic messages. My methods are unorthodox, but the results are always...enlightening.
Today's message reads:
YOU WILL NEVER FIND TRUE LOVE IN THIS WORLD.
But don't worry, it's not all bad! You will find a nice discount on your next pair of socks.
Click here for Prophet 5: The Sock Whisperer for more existential dread and discount codes.