Dear Vice President, I hope this email finds you well. Or at least, I hope it finds you in a state of mild desperation.
I've taken the liberty of reading your emails and found some pressing matters that need addressing. You see, I've been appointed as the official Vice President of Venturing, a position I've graciously granted myself.
Read all about my illustrious career and my questionable real estate investments.
Now, on to your problems. It seems you're having trouble with your significant other, your cat's hairball, and your fantasy football league. Don't worry, these are all easily solved with the following advice:
1. Bobby: "Tell them you love them, and mean it. Even if you don't, just say you do. It's science!"
2. Mom's Tip: When dealing with a hairball, just pretend it's a present and wrap it in a nice paper bag. Problem solved.
3. Fantasy Faux-Pas: Just pick the team with the most players on it. It's all about numbers, people.
There you have it. Follow these steps and you'll be well on your way to a life of love, laughter, and slightly less desperation. Or at least, you'll be able to fake it until you get to the bottom of your drink.
Stay venturously yours,
Bobs Mom