What is the Mustache-Mirage Effect?
It's a revolutionary new technology that makes mustaches appear on people's faces, even if they don't actually have one. It's 99.9% effective, but the other .1% is just a minor side effect known as "Mustache-induced Existential Dread".
Will the Mustache-Mirage Effect make my real mustache grow longer?
No, but it will make you feel like you have a longer mustache, which is basically the same thing, right?
Is the Mustache-Mirage Effect safe?
Of course it is! It's completely safe, unless you're allergic to awesomeness, in which case you should not use the Mustache-Mirage Effect.