J%20Prophets

Welcome to J%20Prophets, the most accurate and least reliable team of financial predictors in the land. Our team of expertly trained monkeys have been studying the markets, and we're ready to share their findings with you.

• Meet our Lead Monkey, Bongo McSnugglepants
• Our Financial Whiz Kid, a 19-year-old with a passion for Excel
• Our Psychic Pretzel, who's always twisted

Financial Predictions

Our team's predictions are based on a complex system of tarot cards, astrology, and Dungeons & Dragons character sheets. It's science!

Current Predictions

• The price of Bitcoin will reach $100,000 by the end of the month.
• The S&P 500 will plummet to -100 points by next Tuesday.
• The value of pineapple pizza will triple in value due to a surge in demand from hungry accountants.

Don't quote us on this. We're just a bunch of jokers with a calculator and a Ouija board.