"Wow, this is it, folks! The moment of a lifetime! I stand before you today, humbled and grateful, yet also utterly convinced of my own superiority. I mean, who needs humility when you're this good?
I'd like to thank my team, who have toiled away behind the scenes, making sure I look good in this acceptance speech. Without them, I'd be nothing but a mere mortal, lost in a sea of mediocrity. But no, I am John, the chosen one, the one who has single-handedly dragged this team to the pinnacle of success.
And to my competitors, I say this: you may have had your chance. You may have had your moments of glory, but let's face it, you're all just a bunch of has-beens, a bunch of also-rans. I am the now, the forever, the one and only.
So, to my team, to my fans, to my agents, and to my accountant, thank you! And to the academy, I say, "You should have given me this award years ago!"
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some important work to do. Like, you know, being a legend.
Read the full transcript of John's Acceptance Speech