Velocity: The Unreliable Guide to Getting Stuff Done

Welcome to the Agile Roadmap to Nowheresville, where the journey is the destination, and the destination is just a series of meetings.

Phase 1: Planning the Perfect Scrum

• Create a Kanban board and pretend it's a thing
• Write down every possible contingency plan

Learn to love the words 'Sprint' and 'Backlog' without irony

Phase 4: Iterate to Perfection (or at least to 'Good Enough')

• Convince the team that 'Done' means 'Not Quite Done'
• Innovate ways to blame the customer for not understanding 'Velocity'

Phase 6: Celebrate with a 3-hour Retrospective

• Eat a free lunch and pretend it's a thing
• Identify 12 action items that will never get done

Phase 8: Repeat, Rinse, and Repeat (to Inertia)

• Create a Gantt chart for the sake of it
• Realize the project is a sunk cost and call it 'Legacy Software'

Congratulations, you've achieved 'Velocity'! Now go home and drink cheap beer.