Eligibility Criteria for Undercover Agent Training
Must be human, or humanoid robot. Must be willing to undergo rigorous training and potentially face existential dread.
- Age: 18-65 (or older, we're not judging, but probably will)
- Physical Ability: Must be able to lift 50 kg, run 5 km without collapsing, and not cry in front of your peers (we have cameras, don't worry)
- Cognitive Ability: Must be able to solve simple math problems, like 2+2=?
- Psychological Ability: Must be able to handle the crushing ennui of an endless, soulless bureaucratic nightmare
We also accept applicants with the following special skills:
- Fluency in 3+ languages (including, but not limited to, Basic, Advanced, and Intermediate)
- Experience with high-stakes poker games (or willingness to learn)
- Ability to eat an entire jar of mayonnaise in one sitting
What to Expect
Upon acceptance, you will be assigned a handler who will guide you through the 5 stages of Undercover Agent training:
- Stage 1: Infiltration
- Stage 2: Sabotage
- Stage 3: Disguise
- Stage 4: Deception
- Stage 5: Self-Actualization (or, you know, just give up)
Apply Now!
Don't forget to include a 1-page resume, a 2-page cover letter, and 3 references from your therapist, your ex, and your ex's new partner