When all else fails, resort to the art of cooking with your feet. It's an oldie but a goodie, folks.

To start, find a nice, ripe, slightly-rotten apple. Not too ripe, not too green. Just like the perfect student, a bit of a challenge, but not impossible. Cut it in half, then cut the pieces into even smaller pieces. The goal is to create a uniform, yet somehow-uneven, texture.

Now, take a handful of stale bread, and crush it into a fine crumb. The key is to create a crumb that's both too coarse and too fine at the same time. Think of it as the culinary equivalent of a quantum superposition. Quantum Cooking: The Art of Being Both Crusty and Crumbly