Today, we're going to explore the subtle art of unkindness. Not just any unkindness, mind you, but the kind that's carefully crafted to avoid blinking.
Write an email that's so subtlely condescending, it'll make your recipient wonder if they've ever actually accomplished anything worthwhile. Bonus points if you use the word "actually," but only once, and only in the third sentence.
Example:
Subject: Thoughts on Your Recent Work
Dear [Name],
I hope this email finds you well. I must admit, I'm a bit surprised you managed to submit your work on time. Actually, I'm impressed that you were able to muster the energy to type out a coherent sentence without using the word "I'm" more than once.
Best,
[You]Act 2: The Slight-of-Hand Gift
Buy your coworker a "gift" that's actually just a slightly used coffee mug with a faint hint of last week's coffee stains on it. Watch as they awkwardly accept your "generosity" and wonder if you're secretly trying to poison them.
Act 3: The Backhanded Compliment
Give a compliment that's so backhanded, it's like a slap in the face, but without the actual physical pain. Example: "You know, I never thought I'd say this, but your work is actually kind of okay, I guess."
Act 4: The Unspoken Expectation
Make it clear to your friend that you expect them to drop everything to help you move, but without actually saying the words "I need you to drop everything." Instead, just send them a series of increasingly urgent texts with a series of increasingly passive-aggressive emojis: "Hey, just a heads up, the couch is still in my old place, 🚀👀, and I'll be there to help you move... eventually."
That's it for today's lesson in inner peace through unkindness. Remember, practice these acts regularly for maximum effect.
Learn how to wield sarcasm as a powerful tool in the art of unkindness.
Discover the beauty of doing absolutely nothing and still managing to be unkind.