Step 1: Find a nice, cozy surface to call home. Avoid anything that's been thoroughly cleaned or sterilized, those places are no fun.
Step 2: Invite some friends over. You know, the usual: E. coli, Strep, Staph... they're always up for a party.
Step 3: Get to work! Divide and conquer, or should I say, divide and multiply. Before you know it, you'll have a thriving colony that'll make the local hospital look like a cake-walk.
And that's it! With these simple steps, you'll be well on your way to creating the perfect bacterial colony. Just remember, size doesn't matter... until it does.
Next: Colony Control - The Art of Not Getting Swabbed Away