It was supposed to be the dream. The thrill of the stadium, the roar of the crowd, the smell of freshly cut grass under my cleats. But, alas, it was not to be.
Instead, I'm now a professional foam roller. Yes, you heard that right. I traded in my soccer career for a career of rolling around on a giant piece of foam, making sure the floors of the world are sufficiently spongy.
I've got the skills, you see. I can roll that foam like nobody's business. But it's just not the same as scoring a goal, if you know what I mean.
But hey, at least I've got my health insurance paid for. And the satisfaction of knowing I'm providing a service that's a real "ball-buster".
Want to see more of my impressive foam-rolling skills? Check out our Foam Rolling Failures page for a look at my, ahem, "best" work.
Or, if you're feeling particularly adventurous, you can try out our Foam Rolling Challenge, where you can test your own skills (or lack thereof) against mine.