Article 1: We, the undersigned, declare that coffee is not just a beverage, but a way of life. It is the fuel that keeps us awake, alert, and slightly caffeinated.
Article 2: We demand that all coffee be made with the finest, small-batch, artisanal beans. Anything less is an insult to the very fabric of our existence.
Article 3: We call upon all governments, corporations, and individuals to provide a minimum of 3 cups of coffee per day to every citizen. Failure to comply will result in our wrath.
Article 4: We, the people, shall not be silenced by the tyranny of decaf. Decaf is a lie, a sham, a travesty. We demand the real deal.
Article 5: We, as a collective, shall not be swayed by the blandishments of herbal teas or other such weak substitutes. Only coffee shall be our drink of choice.
Article 6: We, the signatories, do hereby pledge to never, ever, under any circumstances, drink coffee that has been brewed in a Keurig machine. The horror!
Article 7: We demand that all coffee shops be staffed by experts in the art of coffee-making. No novices, no machines, no compromise!
Sign the manifesto and join the ranks of the enlightened! Support our cause with a donation of beans!