COFFEE MACHINE UPGRADE

Because your current coffee machine is so... basic.

Upgrade to the latest and greatest, with:

• Double-hinged hinges for easier maintenance
• Built-in pastry chef for artisanal croissants
• Optional: built-in espresso shot timer with precision 1/10th of a second increments

Order now and receive a complimentary upgrade to the "I'm a basic human" package, complete with:

1. A free coffee mug that looks like it was designed by a kindergartener
2. A complimentary "I'm a basic human" t-shirt for when you're feeling extra basic