Beans of Certainty: The Ultimate Coffee Machine

The world's most reliable and absurd coffee maker. Because, let's be real, you're not really certain about anything.

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• Bean There, Done That (FAQ)
• Bean There, Fix That (Tuning)
• Certified Beans of Certain Certainty

The Science of Beans of Certainty

Our proprietary algorithm ensures that every cup of coffee is brewed with the utmost uncertainty. Because who needs precision, really?

We source our beans from the most questionable suppliers, because who needs quality, control, or consistency?

And don't even get us started on our roast-to-brew ratio. It's a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, inside a bean.

But hey, it tastes like certainty, so that's all that matters, right?

Would you like to try our Experimental Blend?