"You know, I'm not doing anything because that's what I do. I'm not doing anything, because that's the job description. It's right there in the contract. 'Consultant Bert: do nothing, receive pay.'

I mean, what's the point of doing anything, anyway? The committee's just going to reject it. They're always finding new ways to say 'no'. 'Consultant Bert, we need to re-evaluate the parameters.' Re-evaluate? That's just code for 'we don't like it'.

I've been doing this for years, and I've got the perfect system down pat. I show up, I take up space, I collect pay. It's a delicate art form, really. A delicate dance of doing nothing, while looking busy. And you know what? I'm great at it.

But don't worry, I'm not lazy. I'm just highly selective. Highly selective about the things I choose to do. Or not do. You know, like a discerning gourmet with a refined palate. I only consume the best, most unfulfilling experiences life has to offer. Like a never-ending supply of beige office chairs and stale office air.

Want to see more of my expert inactivity in action? Check out our other subpages!
Bert's Best Busywork What I Did Last Week (Nothing)