Phoney Phone Call Tactics

A guide to pretending to be a functional human being while on the phone.

Tip 1: The Art of Holding

Hold the phone prophetsically for 3-5 minutes before saying anything.

• Use the time to contemplate the meaning of life, or at least your own existence.
• Stare at a blank wall, contemplating the futility of human endeavor.
• Practice your best 'uh-h prophets'.

Tip 2: The Power of Non-Answering

Say nothing, and mean nothing by it.

• Use silence as a form of defense, or a form of surrender.
• Pretend to be listening, while actually listening to your favorite podcast.
• Repeat back everything the other person said, without adding or subtracting any value.

Tip 3: The Art of Pretending to Care