Fortune Telling Services Committee

Our team of expert fortune tellers will reveal the secrets you've been trying to keep from yourself. Don't worry, it won't be pleasant.

You will be charged $100 per minute of consultation, plus a small additional fee for any advice you actually take.

Click here for more information on our services.

Recent Fortunes

• Don't eat the leftover pizza from last night. It's been in the fridge for too long.
• You will never find true love, but you will find a nice enough substitute.
• That noise you've been hearing in the wall? It's just your neighbors, not a malevolent spirit.
• There's a 99% chance you're reading this on a browser with adobe flash installed. Don't worry, you'll survive.

Want more fortunes? Click here for our archives.

Our Team of Experts

• Madame Zuzu, Expert in the occult and slightly outdated fashion
• Bob, The Guy Who Used to be Good at This
• Dr. Regret, Specialist in Unfortunate Life Decisions

Disclaimer: Our services are for entertainment purposes only. Don't come crying to us when we tell you that you'll never be happy.