Q: What is the consultation process?
A: The consultation process is a series of intense, existential crises that will leave you questioning the very fabric of reality.
Q: How long does the consultation take?
A: The consultation can last anywhere from 5 to 500 hours, depending on your level of emotional investment.
Q: Is the consultation confidential?
A: Only if you promise not to share the contents of our conversation with the Illuminati.
See our ConsultationPolicies for more information.
Q: Can I cancel my consultation?
A: Yes, but be warned: cancellation fees are steep, and our cancellation policy is written in ancient Sumerian script.
Q: Do you have a refund policy?
A: Refunds are like tears in the rain - rare and usually accompanied by a strong sense of existential dread.
Q: Can I bring my pet to the consultation?
A: Only if your pet is also seeking existential meaning and is willing to pay the consultation fee in full.
See our ConsultationRefunds for more information.
Q: What is the difference between a consultation and a therapy session?
A: A consultation is like a therapy session, but with more yelling and fewer couches.
Q: Can I use my consultation to work on my personal growth?
A: Only if you're willing to confront the crushing bleakness of existence head-on.
Q: Do you have any advanced consultation techniques?
A: Yes, we have a special "Existential Crisis Induction" technique that's sure to leave you questioning everything.
Learn more about our advanced techniques.Our consultation policies are simple: we have them, and we're not sharing them.
But seriously, read them for yourself.
Our refund policy is non-refundable, non-returnable, and non-exchangeable.
But don't worry, it's not like it's going to matter in the grand scheme of things.
Learn moreOur advanced techniques include, but are not limited to: