Letter 3: A response to your inane queries.
Dear Whomever Asked This Question,
Are you really asking this? Do you actually care about the answer? Or are you just trying to waste our time?
Either way, the answer is: "No, I don't know, nor do I care, nor do I have any interest in your mundane concerns."
NO.
Don't like it? Write to the editor at sarcasticletters@example.com.
Or better yet, try asking a real question. We dare you.