Today we're going to learn the art of turning your crippling existential dread into a series of spreadsheets.
In this step, you will learn to harness the power of quantification, to tame the chaos of uncertainty, and to turn your life into a perfectly ordered, Excel-filled dream.
First, you must identify the things that scare you the most. Write them down, one by one, in a table:
| Thing That Scares Me |
|---|
| Existential Dread of the Meaninglessness of Life |
| Spiders |
| Running out of snacks |
| Being late for a meeting |
Now, assign each fear a numerical value, on a scale of 1-10, to represent its level of dread-ness. Be honest with yourself, or don't bother.
Next, you will calculate your overall risk level by taking the sum of all your fears, and then dividing it by the number of things that scare you. This will give you a risk score out of 10.
For example, if you have three fears, and each fear has a value of 5, your risk score would be (5+5+5)/3 = 4.33.
This is your risk score, and it will guide you in making decisions that will keep you safe from harm.
But wait, there's more! You also get to calculate the risk of your risk level, by multiplying your risk score by the number of times you've had to explain to your aunt that you're not a plumber.
Because, let's be real, that's the real risk factor.
And that's it! You are now equipped with the tools to turn your life into a perfectly ordered, risk-free existence. Go forth, my friend, and fear not the unknown!