Latest News from the Frontiers of Asteroid Mining
Press Release 2023-02-01: "We've Found Something, We're Not Sure What It Is" Press Release 2024-05-01: "Asteroid Mining Inc. Acquires Competitor, Now Owns 37% of All Known Asteroids" Press Release 2025-01-01: "New, Experimental, Possibly-Hazardous Asteroid Mining Technique Developed, Not Tested on Humans"Asteroid Mining Inc. is proud to announce that our latest expedition to the asteroid belt has yielded a mysterious, glowing rock. We're not entirely sure what it is or what it does, but we're pretty sure it's not just a rock with a funny name.
"We're thrilled to have discovered something new and exciting," said our CEO, "even if it's not exactly what we expected. Maybe it's a new form of asteroid-ium? Or possibly a sentient, space-dwelling organism? The possibilities are endless!"
We'll be releasing further updates as more information becomes available. In the meantime, our team of expert scientists and engineers will be working tirelessly to figure out what it is and what to do with it.
Asteroid Mining Inc. is proud to announce that we have acquired Galactic Mining Corp., our largest competitor in the asteroid mining industry. This acquisition gives us control of 37% of all known asteroids, a feat previously thought impossible.
"We're thrilled to have taken control of the competition," said our CEO, "and look forward to integrating their assets into our already-robust asteroid mining operations."
As part of the acquisition, we're offering a buyout option to all Galactic Mining Corp. employees. We're offering a 50% bonus to anyone who stays on board and helps us navigate the inevitable bureaucratic red tape.
Asteroid Mining Inc. is proud to announce that our team of brilliant scientists have developed a new, experimental asteroid mining technique. While we can't guarantee it's safe or effective, we're pretty sure it's a good idea.
"We've been experimenting with this new method for weeks, and so far, it's only blown up a few asteroids and caused some minor structural damage to our test site," said our CEO.
Don't worry, we're not planning on using it on any actual humans. Yet. But hey, who needs ethics when you have profit, right?