Mandate of Major Exasperation

Welcome, denizens of this forsaken realm. You're probably here because you've been tasked with implementing our latest directive.

As you know, the Deputy's directives are sacrosanct, but this one's particularly... interesting.

Our mandate is as follows:

1. Conduct a thorough analysis of the local snack budget. We need to know how many Doritos are being consumed per shift.
2. Implement a system to track the number of times the copier jams. This is crucial for our quarterly reports.
3. Develop a comprehensive plan to increase productivity by 300%. We're thinking along the lines of installing a few more vending machines.

Don't bother responding, we'll just assume you're on board.

Hyperlinks:

• Appendix of Minor Annoyances
• Implementation Plan: Because We Said So
• Frequently Asked Questions (That We're Not Answering)