By the power vested in me, I, Deputy Director of Donut Affairs, hereby declare that the donut heist of 2023 was not only a travesty but a travesty of epic proportions.
It was a dastardly deed committed by the notorious Donut Cartel, led by the infamous "El Jefe" – a mastermind of mayhem and maker of mediocre maple-glazed.
But fear not, good citizens of this fair city! For we have reason to believe that the Donut Cartel has been infiltrated by our own Secret Donut Service – an elite team of highly trained, highly caffeinated agents.
Stay vigilant, but most importantly, stay caffeinated. The people will prevail, and the donut heist will not stand.