Step 8: The Art of In-Law Massage

By now, you've mastered the basics of in-law etiquette: the delicate dance of not mentioning their politics, avoiding eye contact during dinner conversations, and feigning interest in their extensive collection of ceramic cats. But what about when it comes to their beauty routine? That's where things get really interesting.

Phase 1: The Pre-Massage Prep

Before attempting to massage your in-law's face, make sure you've got the right equipment. This includes:

• A bottle of their favorite perfume, which you'll use to mask the stench of their unwashed laundry.
• A can of hairspray, which you'll use to stiffen their hair into submission.
• A bottle of their preferred moisturizer, which you'll use to combat the effects of their extensive collection of cheap sunscreen.

Phase 2: The Massage

With your arsenal at the ready, it's time to get to work.

1. Begin by applying a generous amount of moisturizer to their face, making sure to get into all the nooks and crannies.
2. Next, take a can of hairspray and thoroughly saturate their hair, working from the roots down to the ends.
3. Finally, douse their face with the perfume, inhaling the noxious fumes in an effort to steel yourself for the task ahead.

Phase 3: The After-Massage

Once you've finished, step back and admire your handiwork. Make sure to give them a hearty "you look like a million bucks!" or some similarly insincere compliment to seal the deal.

Next: The After-Massage Rewards

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