The Sarcastic Slapshot: A Guide to Not Caring
So, you're having trouble dealing with the world's expectations? Well, congratulations! You've come to the right place.
Technique 2 of Disarming the Diffuser: The Sarcastic Slapshot. It's a method so effective, you'll wonder how you ever managed without it.
Step 1: Develop a Thick Skirt of Indifference
Start by cultivating a healthy dose of apathy. Pretend to care, but secretly, you're just checking your phone.
Example:
- When someone asks you how your day was, say, "Oh, it was fine. I mean, it was great."
- When someone asks for your opinion, say, "I don't really have one."
- When someone asks for help, say, "I'm busy."
Step 2: Employ the Art of the Half-Hearted Apology
Learn to apologize without actually apologizing. It's a delicate balance, but trust us, it's worth the effort.
- Start with a nod of acknowledgement, then trail off into silence.
- Use phrases like, "Oh, sorry, I guess," or "Not really sure what happened, but."
Step 3: Master the Glare of Disdain
Develop a gaze of withering scorn, perfected for maximum effect. A simple raise of an eyebrow can be enough to deflate even the most persistent of questioners.
- Practice in the mirror: stare intensely at your reflection and think, "You're so annoying."
- Deploy strategically: use it on those who dare to bother you with small talk.
Step 4: The Slapshot Shuffle
When all else fails, employ the Slapshot Shuffle: a dance of deliberate nonchalance.
- Start with a slow, measured pace.
- As the situation intensifies, quicken your step.
- End with an air of nonchalance, as if you've just strolled out of a Sunday brunch.