Step 1: Put on a lab coat.
Wear the coat with pockets for maximum authenticity.
Step 2: Stare intensely at a wall.
Stare at the wall for at least 30 minutes, preferably with a hint of existential dread.
Step 3: Develop a theory.
Write a theory on the wall with a marker, preferably something revolutionary and world-changing.
Step 4: Ignore all evidence.
Just pretend the evidence doesn't exist or that you've already accounted for it in your theory.
Step 5: Declare yourself a scientist.
Charge your parents for "consulting fees" while you're at it.
You're now a scientist! Go forth and procrastinate with pride!
Celebrate with a party, preferably with cake and champagne.