Breathe deeply and gaze at the void that is the internet. Click on every single dog breed, read every single review, and scroll through every single Instagram post of people holding dogs.
Repeat this process for 4 hours. Then, suddenly, you'll have a comprehensive understanding of what you need in a dog. Or, at the very least, you'll have a strong case of carpal tunnel and a faint sense of desperation.
Continue to Chapter 2: Meet the BreedersVisit every dog breeder in the country, ask them the same 12 questions, and receive the same 12 answers. Marvel at the vast array of different breeds, each with their own unique quirks and flaws.
Read Subchapter 2: The Breeders' GalleryWalk into a house with 5 different dogs and 2 screaming children. Pretend to be interested, nod along, and take mental notes. Suddenly, you'll have a perfect understanding of what your new dog's needs will be.
Continue to Chapter 4: The Dog's First 48 HoursRemember, buying a dog is all about the journey, not the destination. Or, at the very least, it's about buying a dog and then pretending to be a responsible adult for the next 5 years.