The Donut Theft Theory

Subtitle: A Treatise on the Mechanics of Donut Pilfering

By Dr. Emily E. Donutstein

Introduction:

The donut is a sweet, round treat often associated with indulgence and delight. However, beneath the surface of this tasty façade lies a complex web of theft and deception.

According to our research, donuts are stolen at an alarming rate, with some estimates suggesting that up to 75% of all donuts sold are pilfered within 5 minutes of purchase.

But why? What drives individuals to engage in this most heinous of crimes?

Read on to discover the answers to these questions and more in our comprehensive treatise on the donut theft theory.

Chapter 1: The Psychology of the Donut Thief

Subchapter 1.1: The Donut Thief's Brain

Learn about the neurology behind the donut thief's thought process, including the role of dopamine, sugar cravings, and the primal urge to steal.

or

because, let's be real, you probably don't care about the donut thief's brain.