Work Experience

Freelance Professional Couchwarmer (2018-2022)

• Successfully warmed 4 couches to a temperature of 72°F in 1 hour
• Demonstrated expertise in Netflix binge-watching and snacking
• Developed a system for categorizing and prioritizing snacks

View Project: Couch Warmer 3000

Skills

Proficient in Microsoft Office, Excel, and Google Sheets

• Expert-level mastery of procrastination and time-wasting activities
• Fluency in sarcasm and passive-aggressive humor
• Intermediate-level proficiency in basic human communication

Education

University of Google: Online Course Completion Certificate (2015)

College of Hard Knocks: Dropping out of high school (2010)