The Oscars: Where Dreams Go to Die

The Academy Awards: the one time a year where Hollywood's biggest stars get together to pretend to be interested in each other's work. But let's be real, it's just a excuse for them to wear fancy clothes and eat free food.

Here are the nominees for this year's awards:

• Best Picture: "I Can't Believe I Woke Up This Morning"
• Best Actor: "That Guy Who Played a Tree in a Movie About a Tree"
• Best Actress: "The Girl Who Played a Woman Who Played a Man Who Played a Woman"
• Best Supporting Actor: "The Guy Who Played the Guy Who Played the Guy Who Played the Guy"
• Best Supporting Actress: "The Woman Who Played the Girl Who Played the Woman"
• Best Director: "The Guy Who Directed That One Thing"
• Best Original Score: "The Guy Who Composed That One Thing That Was Kind of Like That Other Thing"
• Best Cinematography: "The Guy Who Held the Camera and Said 'Action!'"
• Best Visual Effects: "The Guy Who Made That One Thing Explode in a Really Cool Way"

And the nominees for Best Picture are:

• "I Can't Believe I Woke Up This Morning"
• "The Guy Who Played the Guy Who Played the Guy Who Played the Guy"
• "The Girl Who Played the Girl Who Played the Woman"
• "That One Thing That Was Kind of Like That Other Thing"
• "The Movie I Fell Asleep In, but Had a Good Dream About"

Accepting the Oscars, Because You Have to