The Epic Coffee Substitution Rates Are Dropping, But Not as Low as Our Caffeine Withdrawal Rates

As of yesterday, our coffee machine has stopped working. We're not sure why, but our team is on it. In the meantime, our coffee substitution rates are through the roof.

Here are the stats:

• 1 in every 3 attempts at making a decent conversation results in a substitution of "I'll just go to the store for a coffee"
• 4 out of 5 attempts at finding a substitute for a coffee machine results in a used toaster
• Our CEO is now being held hostage by the union until they meet their demand for a new coffee machine

Popular Substitution Methods:

• The Ancient Art of Tea-Making (5/10 would recommend)
• Energy Drink Substitute 3000: Because You're Already a Caffeine Addict
• The Sacred Tea of the Ancients (10/10 would not recommend)