Don't worry, we've got you covered! Our patented credit score algorithm was designed by a group of highly trained, highly caffeinated monkeys. It's a thing of beauty, really.
Learn more about our credit score scam Our Bankers are Actually Alien SpiesWe use the latest in credit score juggling technology. Our team of highly trained professionals will happily juggle your debt into oblivion, leaving you with a sparkling new credit score that's sure to impress.
Our Bankers use TelepathyDon't worry, our telepathic bankers are fully licensed and insured. They'll read your mind and make all the decisions for you, because, let's face it, you're probably not smart enough to make good financial decisions.
Side effects may include: sudden loss of wallet, spontaneous combustion, and a strong desire to eat Cheetos for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
We're not actually responsible for your financial well-being. If you lose all your money, it's not our fault. We're like a ship in a storm, a leaf that's blown away by the winds of financial uncertainty.
Our Bankers are Actually SharksDon't worry, our sharks are fully insured and will happily eat your lunch, your dinner, and your entire paycheck. Because, let's face it, you're probably not smart enough to make good financial decisions.
Our Bankers Wear TutusDon't worry, our tutus are fully padded and will not cause any actual financial harm. Because, let's face it, you're probably not smart enough to make good financial decisions.