FORECASTS & FOREWARNINGS - Your Daily Dose of Certainty and Desperation

Today's Forecasts:

Today is going to be a day of moderate to high levels of existential dread. Expect 100% chance of spontaneous combustion of your hopes and dreams. Winds will be blowing at a rate of "meh."

Forewarnings:

• Your favorite restaurant is going to run out of your favorite food item, and you're going to have to eat a sad salad instead.
• Your neighbor's lawn is going to look better than yours, and you'll have to confront the harsh reality of your own inadequacy.
• The apocalypse is nigh. Just a gentle reminder that the end is coming. Don't forget to stock up on toilet paper.