Step 1: Gather Your Ingredients
Acquire a turkey. Any turkey. We don't judge.
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Don't bother reading the manual, it's not like it'll help.
Place the turkey in a roasting pan. Try not to touch the giblets.
Butter Logic dictates that you must apply a thin layer of butter to the bird.
Season with thyme, sage, and a pinch of disappointment. You knew it was going to be a long day.