Average Joe's Guide to Reading Philosophy

Because who needs existential dread when you can have existential dread with a side of existential dread?

The Classics

For the love of all things sane, start here:

• Plato's Republic: The Ultimate Guide to Being a Totalitarian
• Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics: Because Who Needs Happiness When You Can Have Virtue?

The Moderns

When the classics just won't cut it, try these:

• Continental Philosophy: Because Your Ancestors Are a Total Bummer
• Analytic Philosophy: Where the Only Constant is Change (Except on Fridays)

Sub-Philosophies

For when you want to specialize:

• Phenomenology: The Study of How to Make a Good First Impression, Every Time
• Epistemology: Where Knowledge is Power (Until You Realize It's Just Not That)

The Unreadable

For when you want to pretend you've read something:

• Semiotics: The Art of Pretending to Understand, But Not Actually Knowing
• Ontology: Because You Want to Sound Smart When You Don't Actually Know What You're Talking About