The TP-Dispenser feature is a revolutionary new way to dispense toilet paper in the most efficient and convenient manner. It's like a vending machine, but for toilet paper.
Just insert a coin, select your preferred toilet paper type, and the TP-Dispenser will dispense a sheet to your heart's content. It's like having your own personal butler, but for your bottom.
Of course, it's safe! The TP-Dispenser has been rigorously tested by our team of expert engineers, who have also tested it on their own bottoms. It's also been certified by the International Association of Toilet Paper Dispensers (IATPD).
Sorry, friend. While we appreciate your creativity, we can't accommodate custom requests at this time. But hey, have you tried our new "Unicorn Sparkles" flavor? It's a real game-changer.
Prices vary depending on the type of toilet paper you select. Our basic model, the "Standard Sitter," is only 5 cents per sheet. Our premium model, the "Golden Wipe," is only 10 cents per sheet. And our deluxe model, the "T-1000," is only 50 cents per sheet. You get what you pay for, folks.