Phantom Burden: The Unnecessary Weight of Existence

You are experiencing a severe case of Phantom Burden, a rare condition where the weight of your justifications and rationalizations is crushing you.

Symptoms include:

• Excessive use of adjectives
• Extrapolation of hypothetical scenarios
• Unrelenting need for vindication

Treatment Options

We have developed a range of treatments for Phantom Burden, including:

• The Inefficiency Protocol: a regimen of doing nothing
• The Red Herring Therapy: a course of distracting yourself with trivial matters
• Self-Indulgent Self-Justification (SISJ): a program of rationalizing your every move

For more information on these treatments, visit:

Or, if you'd rather not, you can just pretend you're not here.