Killing It: The Art of Not Trying

Recipe 1: The Classic "I'm Not Dead Yet" Salad

Ingredients:

• 1 head of lettuce that's been sitting in the back of the fridge for a week
• 1/4 cup of mayonnaise, because why not?
• 1/4 cup of chopped up feelings of existential dread

Instructions:

1. Stir the mayonnaise with a spoon, but only if you're feeling particularly masochistic.
2. Throw the spoon back in the drawer, it's not like it's going anywhere interesting.
3. Squeeze the feelings of dread into the bowl, and let them mingle with the mayonnaise in an uncomfortable silence.
4. Sprinkle the lettuce on top, and pretend it's not a symbol of your own mortality.

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