Contact Us, We're Not Actually Dead

Dear valued customer,

We are thrilled to hear that you're interested in acquiring some of our legendary Kraken treasures. Unfortunately, we're not actually dead, but we're not exactly "alive" either. We're more like "in stasis, but with a pulse."

To contact us, you can use the following options:

• Mail us at kraken.treasures@tentacles.com, but be warned: our mail server is powered by a 90s dial-up modem.
• Call us at 1-800-NEO-KRAKEN, but our phone system is still on a betamax.
• Visit us in person, but only if you're willing to navigate our maze of laser beams and existential dread.

Or, if you're feeling fancy, you can just drop us a line on the old-fashioned postal service. We'll get back to you... eventually.