Mandatory Emergency Broadcast: Spontaneous Combustion Protocols

Warning: This page is for emergency use only. If you are experiencing spontaneous combustion, please do not panic. Stay calm and follow the instructions on this page to maximize your chances of surviving.

Protocol Alpha: Emergency Cooling Measures

Protocol Bravo: Fireproofing Techniques

Protocol C-O-N: Emergency Evacuation Procedures

Disclaimer: Not Actually a Real Emergency Broadcast