By the power vested in us, we hereby declare that the coffee in the break room has been deemed too cold. All employees are hereby ordered to fetch an ice pack from the supply closet, effective immediately.

Furthermore, all meetings shall henceforth be conducted with the lights off and the thermostat set to "arctic blast." This is not a drill.

Failure to comply with this Mandate will result in severe penalties, including but not limited to: loss of snacks, confiscation of personal belongings, and/or forced listening to elevator music.

For those seeking to appeal this Mandate, a special appeals board has been established. Please contact The Appeals Board for further information.

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